I’ve had a whirlwind of emotions these past few weeks.  I’ve always known I was not quite like other people and I don’t mean in a way that makes me unique.  I was different.  From the time I was little I’ve adjusted myself to match others and fit in.  Then I finally get diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome at 31 years old. 

I was walking on air when I found out.  There was no news that could have pleased me more.  I had an answer to a life-long, frequently debilitating problem that I could now work with and explore.  Every day I find new meanings to the many bandages I’ve been placing on my personality.  Today I discovered that it’s an Aspie trait to hear music in rhythms’ where there is none.  Yesterday I discovered why I like bold colors.  I’m literal-minded.  Every time someone laughs because I take sarcasm literally I want to hide.  I’m clumsy and uncoordinated.  It’s uncomfortable being touched.   I rock myself when I get upset.  These are the tip of the iceberg. 

It’s becoming more and more apparent to me that this is a real handicap I’ve been handling and covering up.  I turn to being quiet because I don’t know how to talk to people and because if I did I’d speak out of turn.  I was diagnosed with depression due to the responsibility of constantly keeping up that wall.  It’s a wall between the real me and the world.  It’s so exhausting I sometimes have no time for anything else.  There are some situations that are too much to handle and it is wonderful to know that I can explain to someone why. 

I knew something was very odd about me a few years ago when I took anti-depressants.  I’ve always known I was odd but started to suspect it was bigger than my grief when more and more of what I can see as Aspie traits came out.  I no longer had constant stress alarms going off in my head to guard everything I do.  In that sense anti-depressants made me odder. 

The adventure doesn’t stop there. Asperger Syndrome never fully explained my trouble in school.  The whole purpose of getting tested was to do well in school.  I was tested two weeks ago for other issues.  They came back saying I have ADHD and depression.  The depression is probably brought on by the fact that I’m constantly trying to go to exhaustive measures to look and act normal.  On one hand it works because most people don’t believe I could be on the spectrum or are surprised by it.  On the other hand the only response our community has is to learn to trick people better. 

The Psychologist I’m seeing told me that most people are fine with one diagnosis but struggle when you add more to the mix.  I thought I would be different.  I want to do whatever I need to be good at school.   But I’m no different.  Logically I know ADHD is cool because I can pop a pill to help with concentration where most Aspies have nothing.  But when I read the report and saw all of this and a few of my other tendencies I went straight into being depressed.  I shouldn’t need time to accept this.  I’ve waited so long for answers.

It’s not the diagnosis itself that is upsetting me.  I keep going over in my mind all these times I was ashamed, embarrassed, horrified and depressed because of traits I never knew were so far out of my control.  I can’t wrap my mind around the gravity of 30 years of trying and failing to meet expectations socially and educationally.  I imagine people want me to go on the way I have been but that is a nightmare.  I’m in a place where I’m expected to learn to cope and few people can understand how it’s been with these things together. 

If I had Asperger’s and was smart then at least I’d be intelligent.  If I had ADHD and was social then at least I’d get people.  It got to a point for a long time I didn’t even want to see my reflection.  I wanted so desperately to be someone else.  I know my limitations and I know they often fall short.  I’ve cried more because I couldn’t cope with how I am than I have over the loss of my children.  It’s hurt me that much.

   

I’ve learned this much.  There is value in failure.  I know determination.  I don’t expect the world to make exceptions.  I know a real sense of accomplishment because I don’t know that feeling very often.  I’m not as critical of others.  If I fail I’m capable of admitting I failed.  What is more difficult to learn is the concept that I will never be able to catch up to people in certain ways.  Educationally I’ll never do great at Math or grammar.  I’m always going to take more time to do tasks and will have to study more to pass exams.  Socially I’m always going to have to do everything possible to blend into the group.  I won’t know what to say if I could speak my mind.  If I learn how to be acceptable to others they may never see what an effort it is and never accept that I have Asperger’s.  I’ve just found out and there have been a few people who reject that idea already. 

It’s such a big deal for me to succeed at something normal.  It’s taken me four years to get through two years of college.  I’m about to fail to get my Associates Degree by one credit.  I am walking down the aisle and retaking that class later.  I shouldn’t care but it’s monumental for me.  Most of my life I’ve spent thinking I could never graduate from college.  I’ve never wanted anything more than to be successful. 

Sometimes I have no choice but to fail.  I think people don’t understand that you could put in a lot of effort and fail something multiple times, maybe even never meet your goal. I can talk about all kinds of personal issues. I'll over-share with anyone willing to listen (or read) but the two things that are hard for me to think about let alone talk about are failing in school and having others judge me harshly when they don’t know where I’m coming from.  Judgment is how I measure my level of normalcy and I’ll always wonder if I’m being whiny or do I get some reprieve now that I know these things?  Do I have to keep on going like I have been?  Should I be ashamed to take advantage of a quiet testing area when no one else gets that or should I be thankful?  Since I want to be so normal should I expect people around me to judge my actions against those of everyone else or do I get some leeway?

Talking about those things is like giving a speech naked. The very thought that someone could take that lightly or make jokes about disabilities or the short bus has always made me ill. The words stupid and crazy and all variations thereof are like my own version of the N word. It's the worst kind of slander. Judging a person because they are mentally challenged in any way is deplorable.

That personality could be hiding so much wisdom that people are too opinionated to ever see.  Just because they can't remember words, spell, speak or function on any other level does not make them any less of a person.   I’ve always been afraid others see me as a flake because I don’t get jokes and say the wrong things so I pretend to laugh and am shy.  I misunderstand so much that I only suggest something when I’m 100% positive I have it right and even then I’m only right about 60% of the time.  I hide that personality.  I hurt so much when I hear those comments about others being stupid or idiotic. I know they aren't intended for me but when I hear that stuff it's hard because I can hear the judgment in their tone while I also know that if they knew me they might say the same thing.

I like to believe I have wisdom.  There are experiences I’ve had which have taught me to view the world differently.  I have come to accept that I have diversity in my life but that is a gift.  I’ve dedicated my life to understanding people and trying to be accepted by them.  I live to be pleasing but along the way I learned about the human condition from a unique perspective. 

It used to bother me that I couldn’t ignore what people thought of me.  People told me not to care what opinions people have.  I told my Mother I was frustrated because I depended so much on others to give me praise.  She told me in response, “That was how you survived as a kid.”  I was so different that I became what they were to blend in.  I have never stopped doing that.   

It was so bad I realized if you took a drink of water I’d take a drink of water.  I became a parrot.  I wouldn’t drive past a friend’s house if I wasn’t going to stop even if it was on the way home.  I couldn’t run the chance that they would think I was a stalker.   My mantra for years was, “don’t say anything to anyone, ever, under any circumstances!”  to keep me from ever saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.  I wouldn’t go to the doctor unless I had to because I didn’t want him to think I was a hypochondriac if I had strange symptoms.

 

I have built a glass house.  I try to look normal from every angle.  I don’t know who is going to believe what about me so I do what I can to make sure they have positive opinions.  I build every defense I can think of but assume you still see how flimsy a defense it really is.  I will do everything I can to do what you want even if it costs me.   When I say that it costs me I mean I’m trying to please everyone all the time but I don’t need a wise man to say that is not possible.  I don’t let my guard down because I have to protect myself from you.